Wednesday, 30 December 2015

New Year, New (probably actually same old) You

We all know it's true. This is why I think New Year's resolution are the worst idea ever. The person who first made them up is up there with the inventor of the croc and the guy who thought that putting pineapple on pizza was a good idea, as the worst people in the world.





As if the New Year wasn't depressing enough, these so called resolutions just act as a reminder of how shit we are as a person, as if it wasn't glaringly apparent enough already in the cold harsh light of the new year. So screw the resolutions. Guys you don't need to take up yoga, and fruit is overrated really. Of course we should all probably work harder, and be nicer, and spend less money, but why in January? If you want to call your grandma more and do more for charity then that's great but don't let everyone pressure you into doing at midnight on the 1st of January. You just take your time guys, and if you want to go for a light jog on New Year's day then respect to you, but it's also cool if you want to go on the second Tuesday in March instead... Or if you want to wait until 2017. My mum told me not to give into peer pressure and I feel like the New Year was what she was warning me about (maybe I misinterpreted her message though). Maybe I'll make some resolutions... but they probably won't be made until at least mid February and I probably won't feel too guilty when I break them after a few hours after either.  

Photograph Credit- pandawhale.com

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Life Lessons From Lemmy

As everyone was still eating mice pies last night, the devastating news came in that Mot√∂rhead front man and general legend, Lemmy Kilmister had died after being diagnosed with cancer on Boxing Day.


Photograph- IBTimes
And as the world of music sadly mourns the loss of one of its greats I think its only right that we look back and remember some of his finest moments both in music, fashion, and life. He himself said in his book, White Line Fever, "People don't become better when they're dead; you just talk about them as if they are. But it's not true! People are still assholes, they're just dead assholes!"But there's no denying it Lemmy, you were pretty brilliant. Everyone take note, this man knew what he was on about. 

"If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

"There was a magazine in England who said I screwed 2,000 women and I didn’t; I said 1,000. When you think about it, it isn't that unreasonable."

"I don't do regrets. Regrets are pointless. It's too late for regrets. You've already done it, haven't you? You've lived your life. No point wishing you could change it."

"Religion is stupid anyway. I mean, a virgin gets pregnant by a ghost! You would never get away with that in a divorce court, would you?"

"I don't think it's fair to be waving your dick around when people are minding their own business and might not want to see it."Well, I can't argue with that last one. 

Monday, 28 December 2015

Is There a Name For The Period Between Christmas and New Year?

Is there a name for this period?? Because there should be. I'm currently in the depths of it and I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling. What day is it? What time? When did I last get dressed? These questions I cannot answer. 


It's simultaneously the best and worst time of the year. Although it comes with the melancholy of knowing that Christmas day is actually gone and you have to wait another 300 odd days for another bloody one, this period also offers a lot of things to distract your prosecco filled little head from this fact.

Yes, you may be filled with the disappointment of your slightly crappy presents and with too much leftover turkey, but fear not, as you are experiencing the closest thing this world gets to a Utopian society. For this week you can sleep as much as you want, eat whatever you want (that's what I tell myself anyway) and wear whatever you want. I'm not sure there's a time quite like it for clothes, I either wear pyjamas or prom dresses. There is no in between. I go from face glitter and diamante earrings to a onesie and dressing gown. And I love it. 

My mum also has some man's name written everywhere- weird

The most stressful thing that has to cross your little mind during this time (forget about work- that's not what Jesus would want you to be doing) is what to wear New Year's Eve. And obviously this does present quite a problem in itself. You might have had a dress in mind, but obviously there's no way you want to get out your pasty, chocolate orange filled body out to try it on and be humiliated in front of your own reflection when it doesn't fit. And God, nobody's going to want to kiss you at midnight if you look like this, now you're still staring in the mirror and contemplating the whole meaning of life, why are we even here, and maybe you should get a fringe, and how much is a nose job, can you book in for liposuction this late and what can we do to stop global warming?? Obviously the only solution is to go to SimplyBe quickly and buy some sort of bedazzled dress that covers and hides yet sucks in and pulls up. You'll just have to deal with the spots from too much sugar and alcohol later. But oh god, now the exhaust has fallen off your car. (Yes this actually happened.) So enjoy this magical time of year people and have a wonderful, fabulously dressed New Year. And don't worry too much if you don't fit in the dress you wanted to wear, just keep your pyjamas on and remember those extra pounds are just more to shake on the D-floor on New Year's Eve. You should probably worry if the exhaust has fallen off your car though. Yeah, you should probably worry about that. 

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Drunk Celebs. They're Just Like Us.

So with the festive season upon us, we will all be saying yes to one or two too many glasses of prosecco and embarrassing ourselves in front of distant family members/snogging inappropriate people/making an arse of ourselves at the office party. But fear not my friends as you are not alone. And no, it's not just me who will be joining you in falling on the cobble stones in your new Christmas heels and volunteering to sing I Will Survive on karaoke. Our famous friends will be getting oh so merry as well. 

For a while a favourite hobby of mine has been googling boozy celebrities, but at Christmas time it is especially important (as well as celebrating the birth of Jesus and all that) as it's nice to remind ourselves that celebz are human too. And what human doesn't use the excuse of it being Christmas to get absolutely shit faced and try and get off with someone under the mistletoe?? Ahhh, Christmas, my favourite time of year. 


Here are some of our best celebs in action, giving it a good go to resemble the local wino in your home town and generally having a bloody good time. You're welcome.



Definitely a Christmas piss up in action if ever I saw one. Good on you Lily, hope too many annoying relatives didn't come round to visit the next day.




Here's another classic one, see me and Cameron are so similar, I think it's appropriate to pose like a gangster when drunk as well. In fact, in all honesty, I'm more likely to be posing like the girl on her left.


Christina Ricci seen having a good time here, and why not?? It's Christmas, let your hair down folks. 


Everyone's favourite rom-com star to Oscar winner, Matthew McConaughey seemingly after enjoying a bevy or two. You alright there Matt?? Yeah he's fine isn't he, look at that cheeky face. 


Perfect example of drunk dancing- even those who are genuinely good at dancing (see JLO) lose all ability to do so after a drink. They also definitely snogged approximately 30 seconds after this picture was taken. 
Has a photograph ever been taken that better represents Christmas?? Well, yeah it probably has actually


Ayyyy! And here we have everyone's favourite royal piss heads! Will and Kate just having a laugh- see they're just like us.
The cheekiest of them all. Drunk Simon Cowell


Merry Christmas!

Photographs- All buzzfeed.com

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

The Turtle Necks of Love Actually... And My Wardrobe

So, Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat n all that jazz (and so am I for that matter.) And along with the obligatory selection boxes seen at literally no other time of the year, out from the wood work comes the classic bullshit rom-com with its misogynistic undertones, loosely tied in with a festive narrative to push sales... that I can't help but absolutely LOVE, it's 'Love, Actually'.

Last week as I dressed myself as an elf and paraded myself around the streets of Nottingham (struggling to see why I'm still single here) I somehow still failed to get a ticket for the last Ocean Wednesday of the year. So instead of joining the hoards in drinking jager bombs and getting off with strangers to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, I returned home to drown my sorrows in pasta and knock on every single one of my flatmates' doors until I could find someone willing enough to watch Love Actually with a tipsy girl claiming to be dressed as an elf (I was wearing a red t-shirt and some running shorts, make of that what you will.) I finally found my victim in the form of, if you can believe it, a Love Actually virgin, yes apparently they exist. A real life human being that has somehow managed to live their life unpolluted by everyone's favourite-worst christmas film. So that obviously had to change.

The great thing about watching a film as many times as everyone has watched Love Actually is that you start to notice the little things that you didn't originally. And as I was trying not to get angry about Alan Rickman cheating on Emma Thompson and Colin Firth falling in love with someone he'd never actually spoken to, I was struck by the sheer number of turtle necks in one film. A quick google search confirmed that there are in fact 22 turtle necks in the film. Of course bloody Buzzfeed has already done an article on it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a turtle neck fan, and, thanks to the all year round shitty English weather, I don't have to keep my turtle neck wearing solely reserved for Christmas. I wear them all year, and perhaps slightly inappropriately to all occasions... I wore one on a night out recently and a male friend of mine kindly informed of how repelling the opposite sex apparently found them. I obviously wore the turtle neck anyway, man-repelling is my hobby, so no point quitting now. But even 22 turtle necks seemed like a lot to me. So I began to question why?? Yes, I may have had a mulled wine before watching the film that night so things did get a bit deep.

But I began to realise that what may have once foolishly been considered as a frivolous light-hearted film, Love Actually is in fact quite revolutionary. And Richard Curtis brought this masterpiece into our lives 12 years ago to challenge everyone's prejudices towards the underrated, stereotyped item of clothing that has so much more to offer us: The Turtle Neck.


Here we have, the pensive, moody turtle neck... didn't think that was a thing did ya??



What about this eh? Didn't know anyone could look fit in a turtle neck until Liam Neeson went and did it, did you?
Then Claudia Schiffer goes and wears one. And Still looks fit.
And who knew they even made turtle necks in this colour? See, they can be fun too!! Good product placement btw, Hertz.
But this is the one that proves without a doubt that they can be sexy. In fact, if you see someone in this, they're probably definitely going to shag your husband, so watch out.



And you think he's done it. Richard Curtis has only bloody gone and revolutionised the world of fashion. Making turtle necks versatile and appropriate for any occasion or person. But then why, why do I still feel the stigma of people saying they're unattractive just because I innocently want to wear one out? 


And this is why: 

Bloody Mark. Why did you have to go and ruin it for us all with this hideous creation. Thanks man, thanks a lot.


Photographs- All Pinterest

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Confessions of a Stripe Addict

From the author that brought you Confessions of a Hat Hoarder, I bring you: Confessions of a Stripe Addict. I'm not going to lie, this confession is probably even worse than the last. This addiction is a lot less under control. I repeat, A LOT less.

I can't quite recall when it started, my fascination with all things stripy, but as usual I like to blame the French. Those bloody French with their delicious breads and sexy moustaches and breton bloody stripes. I gave making bread a good go, but it turns out baguettes aren't really my forté, I also tried with the facial hair, but by the looks of the older females in my family I'll have to wait about 30 years... so, until then, my fast track to being French is, of course, the stripy top.


It wasn't until packing for a misspent few weeks as an au pair in the North of France a few years agp that I realised how out of control my stripe obsession had got. And since then it has only grown still. I appreciate stripes in any form, it's not just the top that can be found in my wardrobe, I have dresses, trousers, skirts, pyjamas... pants are also a big favourite of mine. And then there's the variation in colour, direction of stripe, width of stripe, which is enough to convince myself that I can justify my latest stripy purchase.



A selection of the author's stripes that didn't make it to university

My friends are all aware of my problem, they try to help me by dragging me away from stripy items in shops, and an awkward moment occurred when my flatmates found out about my problem for the first time. My drawers broke whilst my friends were in my room and the contents split on the floor to reveal at least 8 striped tops. These were just the ones that had made the cut to join me at university. Since then they've been very supportive, after the initial revelation they've also taken on the role of guiding me away from striped clothes in shops and encouraging me to make my collection smaller. But what they don't know is that I still have a Topshop and Zara bag online saved with stripy clothes in it.


I am progressing though. I think. I am channeling my passion for stripes into appreciation for the stripy top rather than actually, you know, buying one. Until I can find a real life stripe wearing boy I'll just have to settle for what Google Images has to offer me. And here are some of the best ones around. Enjoy my fellow stripe lovers.








Photographs- Pinterest

Friday, 4 December 2015

Mushpit Is For Life, Not Just For Christmas

I was so excited to find out that the creators of my favourite magazine Mushpit were going to be talking at independent magazine event Raw Print that it didn't matter that it was arctic conditions outside, or that I had nobody to go with (ok that kind of mattered, some dramatic texts were sent to my mum about how I had no friends and would die alone). I went anyway. And I LOVED it.

I found out about the best magazine in the world, ever, through Instagram. So, hey, I guess that app does something other than destroy my self esteem with pictures of models partying and people 'eating clean'. People always say you should never meet your heroes... So luckily I didn't. Instead, I lurked on an uncomfortable stool alone at the back, peering over people's heads and trying to not look too excited.

Before I found Mushpit I had never read a magazine that I could relate to so much (but which would also inspire me... and make me wee a little bit from laughing). Reading Mushpit was like chatting to my friends. For years I have been torn between my love of magazines and fashion and the selection of magazines which are actually out there for people to choose from. I've sometimes felt half guilty when reading magazines like Glamour which, although may include one article endorsing body positivity, this will more than likely be printed on the back of an advert featuring an underweight model. Magazines like these, despite their token gestures towards positive body image or diversity of any kind, still seem to continually perpetuate the idea of perfection being the thin, white woman- born with zero body hair except the blonde locks flowing from her perfectly spherical head. And not only that but after a while, they get a bit boring. But finally something different was here, and it was Mushpit.

Photograph- www.districtmtv.co.uk

No more bullshit about the best way to remove your body hair or how to get lips like Kylie Jenner. They were finally talking about things I wanted to read about. Feminism, and politics and why the boy you want to snog doesn't want to snog you any more ("if they've snogged you ever then they did fancy you so please stop imaging you somehow woke up disfigured").

Don't get me wrong, I still get excited when I have enough money left at the end of the week to buy the latest Grazia, and who doesn't love doing the quizzes in Cosmo? But it's just nice to have a balance, and know that that's not all that is out there. 

So thanks, Mushpit. Love you forever.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

The Ongoing Internal Debate of A Girl Who Wants a Fringe

Arghhh the fringe. It looks so so good. Just, ya know... not on me. Which is a problem as I continue to lust over them. Current muse: Lou Schoof. That fringe, ahh so beautiful, so fringey, so pretty, so cool. Why can't I have one?! You'd think it'd be great for me, I have a forehead the size of the world so surely it would help cover that. I once (or twice) naively thought the same thing, but alas, no. The thing is my hair is as thin as a balding man's, meaning that said fringe is composed of approximately two strands of hair which if anything just highlight the enormity of my forehead, go greasy then make my forehead spotty. So, not exactly ideal.


Photograph: girlsgonehair.com

But that doesn't stop me thinking that a fringe would make my life better. How could it not?? Some of the coolest people in the history of the world have had a fringe. And that's a fact. That's just a fact I'm saying right there. Jane Birkin's was probably the best there ever was, like she is definitely the original fringe inspo. But for some modern day juicy fringe goodness my favourite go to google searches are probably, Alexa Chung, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Moss (yes- she had one!!), Suki Waterhouse's is one of the bests out there, Sienna Miller looked damn good with hers and Dakota Johnson is currently the proud wearer (owner?) of one. 

Despite the fact that I know I do not, and never will, suit a fringe, I probably will get one cut in again... And then cry for the rest of the month and run to Claire's Accessories to buy all manner of children's hair accessories to find any way to push the stupid thing off my face. But until that day, I'm just going to stick to google for all my fringey needs.